Last night was one of “those” nights. I had an unrelated trigger that set my emotions off and it was game over. The countdown is on, my little babe will turn 8 years old exactly one week from today. I can feel the anxiety just sitting in my chest, waiting for any little thing to set it off, which is exactly what happened last night. I found myself sitting in a hot bath just trying to breathe through it, to survive that moment. My heart aches more than I ever imagined it could.
Not only is she turning 8 years old (which is much too old if you ask me), but she will have the opportunity to be baptized into her families religion. This is a big moment in her life, one I wanted for her. Her Daddy, the man I hand picked for her, will baptize her. She will wear a beautiful white dress, friends and family will be there to show their love and support, she will be nervous, but so excited…and where will I be? I will be hundreds of miles away, completely oblivious to when, where, or how it is all happening. Such a big moment in her life and it will be just like every other day to me. That stings.
I knew this Birthday would be hard, but I had no idea it would be this hard.
This morning one of my sweet Birth Mom friends was checking up on me, making sure I made it through the night (oh what would I do without these amazing ladies). I was explaining why this Birthday has been so hard, how I feel like I am back to her first Birthday all over again. She was trying to comfort me with her sweet words and encourage me with our upcoming vacation, a Birth Mom retreat hosted by BIB. A Birth Mom Community. I was sold when I heard the retreat was on a Cruise, then I found out that the ship departs on my daughters Birthday and I was double sold!
As we began chit chatting about our vacation, I felt the anxiety and sadness of the night before start to lift and be replaced with joy and pure “lets get the heck outta here” excitement…and that’s when it hit me…
Why am I allowing myself to be so sad about something that is actually really amazing? I brought a child into this world. 8 years ago, I became a Mom! I created a life, a life that has changed countless others, mine included. How can I be sad about that? I should be celebrating her life, I should be celebrating the beautiful little girl she is and how much I love her. Her Birthday is not something to mourn, her Birthday is something to celebrate. I can mourn placement day, I can mourn the days leading up to her Birthday, but the day of her Birth will be a happy day from here on out.
This year I will celebrate her Birthday on a cruise ship with a group of women who understand the emotions I am going through. Next year, I will find another way to celebrate her. Maybe it will be another trip, maybe it will be a party at home, but somehow I will celebrate that wonderful day, the day I met my daughter.
Hopefully, one day, I will be lucky enough to sit down with her and show her how I celebrated her life every year, how I celebrated the moment I heard that beautiful cry. How I never forgot her and how much she is still completely a part of my heart.
For more info on BIB. A Birth Mom Community and future retreats, make sure you follow their Facebook page by clicking the image below!